It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
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Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.