@TheWidowmakerX

It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back

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@EndhooS

Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg

@Molly_Kats

I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?

@LizHackett

A child in the coffee shop cried and cried until she was given a cake pop, and as I walked past, I whispered, “Your technique is flawless.”

@pilau

gf: [crying] I love him

gf’s dad: if you love him let him go

gf: [lets go]

me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
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s

@Sarcasticsapien

Rejecting someone by saying “you deserve someone better” is a fun way to let a person know you’d rather insult yourself than to date them.

@LosLos__

From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?

Me: *nods*

@DurtMcHurtt

Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.

@TheWoodenslurpy

Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?

@daemonic3

me: i need a dr appointment

reception: ok plz verify your birthday

me: it’s this friday

reception: thanks

me: but you don’t have to get me anything

reception: umm, ok

me: there’s really nothing i even need

reception: ok i wasn-

me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12