Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
You Might Also Like
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
A child in the coffee shop cried and cried until she was given a cake pop, and as I walked past, I whispered, “Your technique is flawless.”
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Rejecting someone by saying “you deserve someone better” is a fun way to let a person know you’d rather insult yourself than to date them.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12