@TheWidowmakerX

It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back

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@brucepoontip

If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it

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Me: I’m going to poop

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@jwoodham

Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.

@_IHateEvery0ne

I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.

@cameronesposito

i married for love

but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored

@_davidlucas_

Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.

~Confucius

@BeTheCookie

Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.

@tira_tira_tira

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Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.