COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
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i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Ironic
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.