It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
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If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
fixed it
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no