Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
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When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it