#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
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[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
*seductively corrects your posture*
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.