@PaperWash

I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.

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@PinkCamoTO

If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.

@envydatropic

I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.

The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.

@weinerdog4life

As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit

@CornOnTheGoblin

[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu

@cloudybones

Being asked if you’ve read 50 Shades of Grey is like being asked if you’ve had steak at Applebees. You do know there’s actual steakhouses?

@panmidwest

SISTER: i’m engaged!

ME: awwwwwwwwewwww

SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there

ME: …no

@NewDadNotes

God: you can sting people more than once.

Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.

God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.

Bee: what’s up?

God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.

Wasp:

@Underchilde

Trying to decide who to leave my middle fingers to when I die.

@DrakeGatsby

me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches

them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest