If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
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I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Being asked if you’ve read 50 Shades of Grey is like being asked if you’ve had steak at Applebees. You do know there’s actual steakhouses?
SISTER: i’m engaged!
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Trying to decide who to leave my middle fingers to when I die.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest