I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
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Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd