I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.

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College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?

Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY


“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”


*in the corridor of the club waiting for my transitions lenses to turn back into glasses* i’ll see you ladies inside


My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.


Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity


I like to eat a handful of paperclips right before I walk through a metal detector cuz I got all day, pal.


me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?


If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.


To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me


Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes

Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode

Me: What?

Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?

Me: Why are you being like this?

Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone