I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
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My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
#Caturday
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”