I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
You Might Also Like
I never needed anything more in my life
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”
Tier 3 meme
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
I need to update my racial profile.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.