I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
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Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
LOL
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen