i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
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Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
I love wikipedia
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
back to work
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.