I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
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A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
prepare for carbonated trouble
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.