Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
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Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
What idiot decided to call it a narcotics-sniffing dog instead of a drug lab?
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
*LeBron wearing his fake glasses*
“Questions? Yes, Lois Lane from Daily Planet”
“Yeah hi. I’ll wait til LeBron comes out”
Her:”What do you do?”
Me:”I teach astronomy.”
Her:”OMG!! I’m a Sagitarius! Can you see my future?”
Me:”Yes, you’ll go home alone tonight.”
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.