I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.

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Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’


Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.


What idiot decided to call it a narcotics-sniffing dog instead of a drug lab?


Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.

I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.


My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.


[performance review]

boss: what would you say is your biggest strength

me: i’m consistent

boss: but you’re late every morning

me: ya


[NBA Postgame]
*LeBron wearing his fake glasses*

“Questions? Yes, Lois Lane from Daily Planet”

“Yeah hi. I’ll wait til LeBron comes out”


Her:”What do you do?”
Me:”I teach astronomy.”
Her:”OMG!! I’m a Sagitarius! Can you see my future?”
Me:”Yes, you’ll go home alone tonight.”


Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?

Them: That’s a baby.

Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.