life: here’s some lemons
life: a bad hairline too
life: also anxiety lol
me: why did u start with citrus
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
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A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
I hate it when I have lots of visitors but only enough chloroform for one and have to use it on myself.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
I think Yahoo! news is written by someone who’s had significant head trauma.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
The sonogram of your baby looks awesome!* So clear!** And he looks happy!***
**Is it a human?
***I think you’re having a racoon