I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
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Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.