I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
You Might Also Like
the icebreaker
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.