I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
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1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
#parenting
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
How do you milk an almond?