I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.

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“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”

– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school


If it’s 1 or 1000 sins you’re still getting sent to Hell. So why not go for 1,000,000 sins and come down here a legend


Reason number 347 why I hate Facebook:

A guy from high school posted 11 new photos all with the caption “me”


I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”


I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit


If a cannibal kills me he better have the right kind of Zip-loc bags! If I get tossed out because of freezer burn I’m going to be pissed!


Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine


Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”


Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!

Me: Where are you going?

Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.


Me: How was your trip?

Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.


Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?



Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm