I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
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I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
I wish I were this cool 😂
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Okey dokey.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper