@msdanifernandez

I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.

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@WritePlay

“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”

– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school

@s8n

If it’s 1 or 1000 sins you’re still getting sent to Hell. So why not go for 1,000,000 sins and come down here a legend

@ssholeEric

Reason number 347 why I hate Facebook:

A guy from high school posted 11 new photos all with the caption “me”

@CruisinSoozan

I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”

@Vanilla_cupcak

I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit

@MaritalFauxPas

If a cannibal kills me he better have the right kind of Zip-loc bags! If I get tossed out because of freezer burn I’m going to be pissed!

@dad_chips

Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”

@Aikiwomannc

Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!

Me: Where are you going?

Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.

[later]

Me: How was your trip?

Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.

@FU_TangClan

Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?

Audience: WOOOOOOOOO

Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm