@chrisdelia: I've ALWAYS said "A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting."
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@LeBearGirdle: Neighbor: can you watch my dog? Me: like through your window? N: no, I meant like- Me: cause I don't do that now N: watc- Me: okay once
@Crutnacker: Biden: I painted "Michelle Obama 2020" on your bedroom ceiling Obama: 😳 Biden: Glow in the dark paint
@TheAlexNevil: Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational: “1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”