@chrisdelia: I've ALWAYS said "A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting."
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@stephenjmolloy: Boss: "Do you know why I've called you into my office?" Into My Office: "Because that's my name?" Boss: "Yes, that's right."
@MelvinofYork: With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn't "bring me joy" I'd just throw myself into a dumpster
@CooIStepDad: [zoo] "This is the bear kids" Wow I want his arms "What? You cant ha.." *kid shows tour guide 2nd amendment* "Bring him the arms smh"
@XplodingUnicorn: My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.