date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
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“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.