KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
You Might Also Like
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?