i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”

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[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good


If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.


[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher


My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.


I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂


An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.

I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”


To the cars honking behind me,

Sorry I held up the drive thru line for 5 minutes counting to make sure I got all 50 of my McNuggets


Hospital bills feel like:

Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.


I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.


I wrote out SOS with M&M’s

Five minutes later

I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s