I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
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Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers