@Jarhead44

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.

I’ve had him about an hour now.

Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.

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@djdarrellripley

Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.

Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…

@AdderallMomma

I’ll huff
I’ll puff
and I’ll smoke all of your stuff.

-Big Broke Wolf

@theedgeofchris

Dora the Explorer has taught me just enough Spanish to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they’ve ever had.

@cottoncandaddy

when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour

@ericsshadow

[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?

@_Water_Baby

Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.

@BackrowSeats

In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering “I don’t know how you eat that shit”.

@karanbirtinna

People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.