Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
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and I’ll smoke all of your stuff.
-Big Broke Wolf
Dora the Explorer has taught me just enough Spanish to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they’ve ever had.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering “I don’t know how you eat that shit”.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.