I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.

I’ve had him about an hour now.

Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.

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Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.

Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…


I’ll huff
I’ll puff
and I’ll smoke all of your stuff.

-Big Broke Wolf


Dora the Explorer has taught me just enough Spanish to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they’ve ever had.


when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour


[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?


Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.


In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering “I don’t know how you eat that shit”.


People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.