I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
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My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”