i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
You Might Also Like
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH