@P1ssed_K1d

I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”

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@AngelaHelga

I’m saving myself for marriage.

Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.

@Jake_Vig

THEM: Hey–

ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.

THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”

ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.

@SoVeryBritish

Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass

@mommajessiec

My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.

Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.

@david8hughes

Due to personal reasons I will be looking like shit until Christmas. After Christmas it will be due to other reasons.

@batkaren

Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.

@Gooooats

I live in my parent’s basement so I had to dig a deeper basement for my kids to live in. In 20 generations we will reach the Earth’s core.

@wendchymes

If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info

@ruinedpicnic

J.K. Rowling: “Theres actually a goat with Harry Potter the entire time, its just never mentioned or does anything.”