“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
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When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
me when I see my crush
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.