I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”

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My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.



“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*


The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.


I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.


Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.


[with father in law]

“You know how to pluck a goose, son?”

Er yes sir, sure do

*stretches goose’s neck and plays it like a double bass*


I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.


I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.


doctor: do you have any questions?
me: would a lucky talisman made of eggs be called an omulette?
doctor: i meant about your antidepressants


Hey, not too bad
I know mom
I know mom
I know mom
I know mom
I know mom
I know mom
I know mom
I love you too
Ok, bye

-phone convos with mom