@faizziy

I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..

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@_making_friends

me: damnit, i forgot to get my bus fare reimbursed this month
sally: go see gary in HR, he’s pretty flexible
[walks in on gary doing yoga]

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.

Me: OK, what do you need me to do?

5-year-old: Go find Mom.

@BareChesty

I just found out I passed my drug test…. Which means my dealer has some explaining to do.

@MattShiney

“The top of my toliet seat is uncomfortable to sit on. I want it to feel like my living room floor” – inventor of carpet toliet seat covers

@TankCesar

Them: How’d you get to be so funny?

Me: Mental illness.

@pittdave13

For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in

@squirrel74wkgn

This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.

@ItsSamG

I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted