I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
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*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.