I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..

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me: damnit, i forgot to get my bus fare reimbursed this month
sally: go see gary in HR, he’s pretty flexible
[walks in on gary doing yoga]


5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.

Me: OK, what do you need me to do?

5-year-old: Go find Mom.


I just found out I passed my drug test…. Which means my dealer has some explaining to do.


“The top of my toliet seat is uncomfortable to sit on. I want it to feel like my living room floor” – inventor of carpet toliet seat covers


Them: How’d you get to be so funny?

Me: Mental illness.


For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in


This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.


I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted