@AmandasNotFunny

I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁

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@TheToddWilliams

[Independence Day – 2017]

ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—

WILL SMITH: Fine

@ItsDanSheehan

My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming

@farleftcoast

Grapes for breakfast it is!

Beautiful, fermented, aged, liquified grapes.

@MarfSalvador

[Bowling date]

Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…

Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe

@Mechaniz10

She yelled another guy’s name in bed then we looked at each other. Then she finally yelled April Fool’s! Then we laughed & laughed.

She’s such a kidder..

@Book_Krazy

“What’s that?”

A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.

*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”

@iscoff

Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months