I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
You Might Also Like
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Eat…
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Had an epiphany today.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs