“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
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We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.