@mattewe02

I’ve assigned genders to lollipops to make absolutely everyone uncomfortable

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@Breadery

My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”

@rolldiggity

A good way to make a car dealer uncomfortable is to say, “Tell me if you can hear this,” and then get in the trunk and start screaming.

@SteveKerr

One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…

@CrockettForReal

Doctor: we have to remove your appendix

JRR Tolkien: but that’s the most important part

@AntozWolf

Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.

@Swishergirl24

If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.

@cloudybones

Being asked if you’ve read 50 Shades of Grey is like being asked if you’ve had steak at Applebees. You do know there’s actual steakhouses?

@pro_worrier_

People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.

My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.