I’ve assigned genders to lollipops to make absolutely everyone uncomfortable

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My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”


A good way to make a car dealer uncomfortable is to say, “Tell me if you can hear this,” and then get in the trunk and start screaming.


One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…


Doctor: we have to remove your appendix

JRR Tolkien: but that’s the most important part


Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.


If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.


Being asked if you’ve read 50 Shades of Grey is like being asked if you’ve had steak at Applebees. You do know there’s actual steakhouses?


People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.

My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.