@mattewe02

I’ve assigned genders to lollipops to make absolutely everyone uncomfortable

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@Brampersandon_

I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm

@MartaEffing

My self esteem flared up this morning. So I put on my bikini and checked my bank account. Ahhh… That’s more like it.

@AverageCorners

“Grab a Pop Tart!” I tell my kids as I’m mixing up the dogs’ breakfasts of organic, grain-free dog food with Greek yogurt and $85 vitamins.

@Xoolun

Went to the gym and asked the trainer.

Could you help me do splits?

Trainer: Sure How flexible are you?

Me: I can only do Thursday.

@david8hughes

On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.

@lakeanagirl

Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.

@colleen_eileen

My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen

@junejuly12

As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from

~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day

@ClaytonSykes

That awkward moment when you realize you were born roughly nine months after 4/20.