I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
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There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.