I’ve assigned genders to lollipops to make absolutely everyone uncomfortable

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I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm


My self esteem flared up this morning. So I put on my bikini and checked my bank account. Ahhh… That’s more like it.


“Grab a Pop Tart!” I tell my kids as I’m mixing up the dogs’ breakfasts of organic, grain-free dog food with Greek yogurt and $85 vitamins.


Went to the gym and asked the trainer.

Could you help me do splits?

Trainer: Sure How flexible are you?

Me: I can only do Thursday.


On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.


Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.


My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen


As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from

~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day


That awkward moment when you realize you were born roughly nine months after 4/20.