@thequeensheart: I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
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@samalmightysam: I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
@bornmiserable: You know you're on drugs when you're talking to your kids about drugs and you don't have any kids.
@Kyle_Lippert: The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.