I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
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If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Omg 🤣
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you