I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
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LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too