I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
You Might Also Like
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”