Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
i’ve been a little sad lately, so i went on zillow and saved a 3 million dollar home and now i get to laugh every time they email me about the next steps to buy it.
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Don’t be a doormat, be an electric fence.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
My home state just announced a new drug awareness campaign.
Here it is.
Facebook: My little man is the best thing that’s ever happened to me!
Twitter: Free baby. DM for details.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.