Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
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me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Knock Knock
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.