@om_eye_goodness

i’ve been a little sad lately, so i went on zillow and saved a 3 million dollar home and now i get to laugh every time they email me about the next steps to buy it.

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@KH0wes

Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead

@McGunnersite

We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.

@Peauxtassium

I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me

@Tusk8rman

Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.

@jordangerous

Facebook: My little man is the best thing that’s ever happened to me!

Twitter: Free baby. DM for details.

@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing