i’ve been a little sad lately, so i went on zillow and saved a 3 million dollar home and now i get to laugh every time they email me about the next steps to buy it.

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Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead


We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.


I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me


Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.


Facebook: My little man is the best thing that’s ever happened to me!

Twitter: Free baby. DM for details.


WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing