I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that the worst time to have a heart attack would be during a game of charades.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
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Have you guys seen that great television show, “Candy Crush Saga With The Sound From Another Television Show Playing In The Background?”
Oh look a Spider…… Oh look Listerine…. Oh look spider wiggling for life…. Minty fresh dead spider
My fathers wife bought a “Christian cookbook” I didn’t even know they had different recipes, I’ve been eating sin all along.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
My dog could not protect the house from robbers if they brought a vacuum cleaner.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.