I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
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Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
is it earth
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
The cashier just checked me out.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.