I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
You Might Also Like
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
He a real one for that
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically