@50NerdsofGrey

‘I’ve been a very bad girl,’ she said, biting her lip. ‘I need to be punished.’
‘Very well,’ he said and installed Windows 10 on her laptop.

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@AbbyHasIssues

Welcome to adulthood.

You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.

@panmidwest

DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?

ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right

@daemonic3

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘effusive’

“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”

That is correct. What was your name?

“It’s Siv”

I know lmao [hi5s other judge]

@Cpin42

[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy

@DaddyJew

Doctor: drink 2 cups of water before each meal

Me: why?

D: it tricks your stomach into thinking its full

M: that sounds like a mean trick

@birbigs

I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics

@Chumpstring

[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens