I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
‘I’ve been a very bad girl,’ she said, biting her lip. ‘I need to be punished.’
‘Very well,’ he said and installed Windows 10 on her laptop.
You Might Also Like
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Coworker: GOOD MORNING!
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
[First day as hitman]
ME: Don’t worry boss, I’ll deal with him accordionly.
BOSS: Wait, you mean accordingly?
ME: *hides accordion* yes.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine