“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
‘I’ve been a very bad girl,’ she said, biting her lip. ‘I need to be punished.’
‘Very well,’ he said and installed Windows 10 on her laptop.
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Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Your word is ‘effusive’
That is correct. What was your name?
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Doctor: drink 2 cups of water before each meal
D: it tricks your stomach into thinking its full
M: that sounds like a mean trick
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens