@50NerdsofGrey

‘I’ve been a very bad girl,’ she said, biting her lip. ‘I need to be punished.’
‘Very well,’ he said and installed Windows 10 on her laptop.

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@SadieSkyNinja

I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.

@Gre_Gone

Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?

@OBiiieeee

my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas

@Shingaboop

Coworker: GOOD MORNING!

Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee

Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee

Me: Exactly

@KevinFarzad

Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account

@TheJK_Story

[First day as hitman]
ME: Don’t worry boss, I’ll deal with him accordionly.

BOSS: Wait, you mean accordingly?

ME: *hides accordion* yes.

@fro_vo

CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea

@anerdonfire2

Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine