Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
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I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage