My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
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I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Thrilling chase underway
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.