Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
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Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.