‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.

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There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.


[on my deathbed]

me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad

wife: dave isn’t old

me: what


Instagram is experiencing difficulties. Until further notice, please cease visually chronicling the tedious mundanities of your life.


Bully: “Hey, four eyes!”
Me: “Don’t you mean… fork eyes?”
[Turns around. Stabs bully with forks tied to glasses. Becomes class president.]


I hate when people say,
“You barely touched your food” like what do you want me to do stroke it?


Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one


Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?


I forgot my phone so I asked this guy what time it was. He said “time to get a watch” & laughed. So I kicked him in the balls. It was 6:30.


Son: Can I have some?

Me, mouth full of cheesecake: It’s really spicy you won’t like it.