There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
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Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
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Bully: “Hey, four eyes!”
Me: “Don’t you mean… fork eyes?”
[Turns around. Stabs bully with forks tied to glasses. Becomes class president.]
I hate when people say,
“You barely touched your food” like what do you want me to do stroke it?
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass
5) Only do number one
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
I forgot my phone so I asked this guy what time it was. He said “time to get a watch” & laughed. So I kicked him in the balls. It was 6:30.
Son: Can I have some?
Me, mouth full of cheesecake: It’s really spicy you won’t like it.