‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
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According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.