I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
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Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Breaking news:
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite