I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.

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Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?

*flashes back to ex



when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”


“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”

-I say to the person I don’t remember.


Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.


Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength


A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.


I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros


I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.