@Social_Mime

I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.

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@AngelaEhh

Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?

*flashes back to ex

*shudders

@nice_mustard

when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”

@Marlebean

“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”

-I say to the person I don’t remember.

@bmarked21

Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.

@hardlyrelevant

Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG

@NuclearBavarian

A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.

@minkpinkustink

I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros

@HatfieldAnne

I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.