My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
You Might Also Like
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal