@KenJennings

I’ve been at this elementary school talent show for half an hour and I’ve already heard “Shake It Off” 137 times.

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@iwearaonesie

me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!

wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!

@redlipshun

I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend

@KeetPotato

oh, so now star wars is the best thing you’ve ever seen, is it?
“yes, and?”
so you’ve forgotten about the time we saw a snake wearing a hat?

@ArfMeasures

Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it

[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes

@anerdonfire2

One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.

@novicefather

I’m at my most audacious and brazen when I shamelessly use words like audacious and brazen.

@LizHackett

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.

@ch000ch

2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

@KeetPotato

[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”

@illuminateddino

I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.