I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
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Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is