I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
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We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
Passwords are more important than ever.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
*jingles half the way*
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.