What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
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If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
no one ever comes back
😂😂
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share