I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
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If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?