If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. Honest, I only meant to rough him up a bit.
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Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
You’re like the menstrual cramp and bloating of people.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
When I see someone in public talking on a bluetooth..I like to position myself on the other side, lean in & whisper “It’s ok I see them too”
Fired from my court room sketch artist job, for putting thought bubbles on people’s heads saying “The court room sketch artist is so hunky.”
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.