I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. Honest, I only meant to rough him up a bit.

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I got caught peeing in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loudly, I nearly fell in.


*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*

“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”


I don’t buy the dinosaur chicken nuggets because they’ve already been through enough already.


My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool


A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.


Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?

Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!


Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working!

*eye twitches


Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.


*2 pieces of bread being held hostage*
bread 1: any way you slice it we’re toast
bread 2: we’re dead wheat

me: did my breakfast just talk