I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
You Might Also Like
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.